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Love is a beautiful thing and so is marriage and can be a source of happiness and fulfillment if nurtured well.
While falling in love and getting married can be nice and easy, maintaining a healthy marriage can be hard. Raising children, work, finances, personal struggles are among factors that can strain a relationship.
Most couples enter into marriage believing that their love is eternal and they will never fight over anything. Far from it, conflct between any two people who are together is inevitable as the two are from different backgrounds. While some marriages/relationships endure, others end up in painful divorces that threaten the well-being of not only the couples involved, but also their children.
A troubled marriage/relationship can cause alot of stress and misery in couples. In the year 1967, Holmes and Rahe came up with the Social Readjustment Rating Scale(SRRS). Basically, this is a scale that measures the amount of stress one likely to experience when they go through or are about to experience a certain life event. Interestingly, according to the scale, three of the most stressful life events were: the death of a spouse, divorce and marital separation respectively.
Arguably, this could mean that the relationship between couples is among the most important relationships one can have. In addition, when that relationship is under threat, it can result in serious physical, psychological and emotional anguish. As such, one way of avoiding serious stress for couples is by ensuring they nurture healthy marriages and relationships.
In every marriage, conflict is bound to arise at some point. This is mainly because partners in a marriage mostly have different believes, values, habits, priorities, preferences and backgrounds. Thus, each partner is likely to have a different way of approaching life.
Not a day passes without hearing news in mainstream media that man/woman has killed their spouse. Infact, such incidents are fast becoming a commonplace. This is sad because such deaths are happening in the marriage institution whose main purpose is to love and protect. A happy marriage does not mean one without conflict. Rather, a happy marrage is characterized by the ability to manage conflicts in a healthy manner when they occur.
Ostenson and Zhang argue that conflicts are necessary and valuable for the relationship to grow. When conflicts are well managed, couples learn from each other and their relationship improves. Its noteworthy that marital conflicts needs to be resolved at the earliest opportunity before they escalate.
Some causes of marital conflict include: incompatible needs, poor communication skills, distorted beliefs, unrealistic expectations, not spending enough time together, marital violence, family background, financial problems, emotional reaction, triangulation(drawing children to support one parent in a conflict), substance abuse, issues related to children and other family members(inlaws).
Marital conflicts can have serious consequences at a physical, psychological, personal and family level. For instance, a conflict which escalates to physical violence can result in destruction of property, grevious harm or even death. Conflict can also result in depression, anxiety (panic attacks), suicide, substance abuse and eating disorders. Moreover, conflict in marriage can expose one to cardiovascular disease, blood pressure and other chronic lifestyle diseases. The emotional safety of children is also affected.
There is no good marriage without hard work, and this is where counselling comes in. As noted above, marital conflicts are healthy if managed well as partners get to learn and understand each other better.
Unfortunately, many couples tend to avoid dealing with conflicts. They are not willing to compromise, collaborate or forgive each other. Obviously, if conflicts are not resolved earlier on, they can break a marriage, result in violence and worse still, marital conflicts can result in death through suicide or murder. Marital conflicts should never end this way. Help can be sought through marriage counselling. Notably, you don’t have to be married to seek relationship counselling. Any couple can seek counselling, regardless of the status of their relationship.
Many couples avoid marriage counselling probably because there is often a stigma attached to marriage it. Many people think that only couples who are about to divorce or split up seek marriage counselling. But the truth is, all marriages have their struggles. For instance, women tend to protect their marriages and they hope the relationship will improve over time. Thus, many pretend to be happy. However, research shows that on average, women worry alot about their relationships which is not healthy. Most couples could benefit from marriage counselling at one time or another.
A marriage counsellor can help couples diagnose their problems and work on solutions. In marriage counselling, the counsellor creates a safe place for couples to freely and openly talk about their differences and desired solution. In particular, it helps a couple to improve communication skills, come to mutual understanding, and figure out how to move forward as a couple.
Whereas it is desirable that both partners come for counselling, at times, one of the parties may be unwilling to come. In such cases, you can attend marriage counselling alone. There can still be benefits for you: you can learn about yourself, and how you feel about your relationship.
Also, in such cases, a counsellor may chose to see each party separately to hear their side of the story. Suggesting couples counselling to your spouse can be intimidating, especially when you don’t know how they’ll react. The most important thing is to be honest and communicative with your partner by clearly explaining your motives. Don’t place any blame on them, rather, state that you love them and simply wish to work on strengthening the relationship.
Marriage counselling may not always be comfortable but it is nonetheless a safe place for you to share your feelings openly. Though the session may be emotional, the counsellor facilitates healthy communication throughout the session.
Marriage/couples counselling is effective. According to research from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), 98% of couples who try marriage counselling report that their therapists are either “excellent” or “good.” Of couples who try marriage counselling, 90% feel that their emotional health improves, and two-thirds report improvements in their physical health. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, seek help today by talking to one of our counsellors.