+254722457898Nowadays, it’s increasingly hard to start and grow a healthy relationship together. Factually, many new relationships never see it past the third month. Mind you, those that go for 3 months or more are the exception rather than the rule. These are the good relationships where the partners are somewhat mature and therefore more tolerant with each other. For the rest, it’s commonplace for people to call it quits after a week or two together.
This is a worrying trend because it points to a gradual but steady collapse healthy relationships that have been a source of companionship and social support. Many people are either single or in relationships which are not meeting their emotional, social, spiritual and psychological needs. The only needs that are being met if at all are physical(sexual) and economic (monetary favors). Little wonder many people feel lonely and lost though they are surrounded by myriad of potential suitors.
The foregoing begs the question, what is wrong with modern day relationships? What is really happening in our society?
I think I might have some insight of what ails our relationships and most of it I’ve gathered in the therapy room while listening to my clients share their relationship struggles. Below are some of the concerns I often pick.
First and foremost, I’ve noticed that many people do not spend enough time together before committing to romantic relationships. Many a times, people will be exchanging I love you and I miss you texts within days or weeks of knowing each other. People are not patient to know each other. I always encourage people to take their time knowing a prospect before committing.
Often, the best way of getting to know someone is spending time together. That way you are able to observe for yourself how the person relates with you, how he treats others, their habits and even outlook of life. While the physical attraction coupled with passion draws people to each other, the passion will wane over time. Also, the features you thought were admirable may turn out not to be so. And by the way, how someone dresses may make them seem very attractive until you see them in their natural element. Be patient, take your time. The character of someone matters a lot.
Secondly, I’ve also observed that many of us have too many unrealistic expectations of our partners. While having standards/irreducible minimum is good, we should be flexible. Rarely will someone tick all the boxes of that checklist you have. If you have a list of 5 qualities and someone checks 3, I think that is fair enough. Remember, with time, the 3 may increase to 4 or five. Alternatively, you may find the grace to be content with the 3 if they are the most important. Don’t be too rigid and have an open mind.
Thirdly, many people have a lot of baggage (emotional wounds & traumas) from past relationships. We often jump into new relationships before dealing with what fractured our past affairs or before healing. We call it kurudi soko bila kuoga in ordinary parlance. This is often a grave mistake because we are bound to repeat the old unhealthy patterns of toxic behaviors which strained our current/past relationships.
Human beings rarely take responsibility for their mistakes. We always complain and blame the other party of betrayal but rarely do we realize that we could have partly contributed or that we were/are the problem. We are often blind to our flaws only choosing to focus on the flaws of our partner. That is not the way to go. Prioritize your healing. Go for therapy even if it’s for a session or two. Work on yourself and get to know you really are before moving on. The only person in this life who will tell you the truth about who you really are is your therapist. We are paid to do that. Luckily, we don’t stop there. Afterwards, we often guide you towards personal growth and development to realize a better version of yourself.
Fourthly, poor communication is killing relationships. We rarely express our thoughts and emotions clearly yet we expect to be understood. How so? You partner is not a magician to figure out your emotional state. Find a way of expressing yourself. Avoid yelling especially when you are angry. That is bound to evoke a reaction of defense hence diminish the probability of being listened to. The best way to pass your concerns across is through suggestions. The suggestions should be open-ended to allow the other party to give their views. Don’t impose your outlook/desires on the other person. They are not you.
Fifthly, we are witnessing the emergence of a generation that is both insecure and immature. Insecurity is not necessarily a bad thing because it may be rooted in traumatic childhood experiences characterized with neglect, abuse and abandonment from caregivers. However, it needs to be addressed. A flirting partner may not necessarily be cheating or planning to cheat on you. A password does not mean someone is being fishy. Just trust the person. As the dictum goes, if you are out to look for something, you’ll always find it. Again, if it isn’t broken, don’t create a mountain out of anthills.
Besides, it’s important to give your partner space. Allow them to be. It’s not cast on stone that you will grow old any die together. The best relationships are those where partners know that they have a life outside the relationship. Allow your partner to enjoy their time alone. That doesn’t mean they no longer love or need you. Not at all. At times, people need time to think about their lives. Wanting to know everything about your partner is not healthy.
We also need to approach our relationship issues with sobriety and be willing to work together to resolve issues. Don’t be the avoidant type that wants to run off at the slightest provocation. Things aren’t what they seem. Take time to get your partners side of the story and try to see the situation from their standpoint. That right there is the hallmark of maturity.
Last but not least, choose someone you are compatible with. At least ensure that person loves and cares for the things that tickle your heart. Free yourself from the illusion that you’ll change someone to be who you want them to be. Adults rarely change their behavior unless they have encountered a serious crisis. Only then do people take time out to reflect and re-evaluate their behavior.
The list is not exhaustive but the above are among the most important. Take note and apply any or all of them if you can.