+254722457898Can you cut off family? Like, can you wake up one morning and decide to block your parents, siblings, relatives and village mates especially when you feel as though there presence is not good for your mental health?
Honestly, I must confess that cutting off family feels illegal. I mean, who even does that. You must be very wicked to even entertain such thoughts. Nonetheless, I’m here to tell you that in some cases, cutting off your family can be the best decision you will ever make.
Your family can give you sleepless nights. Not because you were up watching a movie or catching up on something but because they said/did something hurtful that makes you doubt their love, concern and care for you. Notably, your family can push into the ICU, a mental institution and worse of, an early grave because of the things they do, say or fail to do. Sad but true.
Well, you see, we have been brought up believing that family is everything and to a greater extend, this is true. For many of us, family gives us a sense of belonging, identity, security among many others. It’s hard to imagine a life without family. Undeniably, when a family is functional and members relate in a healthy manner, family can be a source of peace and happiness.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Some families have continuously harmed rather than protect one of their own. It’s not uncommon for one to develop anxiety, attachment issues, temper, insecurity depression, substance abuse, psychosis and panic attacks all because of family members who are physically and emotionally abusive. They will do anything to control you. They will frighten, manipulate and threaten you with isolation (rejection) if you don’t agree with them or do as they say.
Abuse at the family level comes in many shapes including:
a) Humiliation and criticism (using derogatory nicknames such a ‘stupid’, ‘loser’ and brushing off your achievements).
b) Control through threats/emotional blackmail.
c) Accusations and blame (especially when you don’t attain there unrealistic expectations).
d) Emotional neglect and isolation (using silent treatment and denying you support).
e) A general lack of respect for your choices.
All the above can be ways of making you to feel inadequate, worthless and as though your opinion, needs and goals don’t matter. Be wary of parents, spouses, siblings who only ‘love you’ when you do what they want. Again, people who keep lecturing you, guilt-tripping and blaming you for their problems are not good for their mental wellness. A parent who keeps lamenting about how you are not doing enough to support them is not worth your while especially when you know how much you have sacrificed to send them what you had.
The beauty of growing older is attaining a level of independence. You can actually make decisions which make you happier, less stressed and more peaceful. You don’t have to look over your shoulder to wonder what your family thinks. You can boldly make unpopular decisions because they are good for you. That is the hallmark of maturity.
And so, to break ranks with abusive family members, have the courage to put your needs first, don’t explain yourself to people who don’t deserve an explanation, exit from such relationships and cut ties with them, set personal boundaries and importantly, build your own support system away from abusive families. Always work with a therapist/counselor as you begin your healing process.